Matthias sent this to me and asked me to put it on his blog. It is funny, but also has a request....
It clearly shows the importance of mail to missionaries.
Miriam.
The First Epistle of the Elders to the Dead Letter Writers.
Chapter 1
1. In the beginning was the mailbox and the mail was void of letters.
2. And the missionary said, Let the box be filled and the box was not filled.
3. And the missionary beheld the continuing void and was not pleased.
4. And lo, it was the first day of the week and there was no mail delivered but that was good.
5. But on the second day mail was delivered, yet the box remained empty.
6. Yea, even from the second day until the seventh day was the mail delivered.
7. Even so, the box retained its void.
8. And yea, great mists of darkness spread forth from the void and enshrouded the Missionaries. Yes and did bring much sadness to their otherwise cheery day.
9. Even the long hours of fruitless tracting, being chased by fowls of the air, and being pursued by the beasts of the field were not as disheartening as the lack of sacred objects known as letters.
10. Yet they persisted.
Chapter 2.
1. And lo, on the second day of the second week the mist still encircled the sacred mailbox.
2. And on the third day from within depths of the void was a single postcard.
3. And this postcard put forth a single ray of light which pierced the darkness and did overcome the mist.
4. And the Missionaries were well pleased and there was much rejoicing.
5. But alas, their joy was not to last, for the mailbeast and made a mistake and the postcard was for someone else.
6. But if their joy was exceedingly great over someone else's mail, how great would be their joy at partaking of their own mail?
Chapter 3.
1. And we give unto you the parable of the two dead Letter Writers.
2. At the hour of noon a certain scribe sat down to write a letter.
3. And the scribe did think of roam; things to write, but lo, he spent so much time thinking that he did not write.
4. Nevertheless he felt good because he had great intentions.
5. At the same time a publican sat down and wrote a few words as he ate.
6. Yet he felt guilty at not writing enough.
7. And lo, the 24 months passed and the missionary returned home and passed by the scribes home.
8. Yea, he went even unto the house of the publican.
9. Verily a letter is like a price in a Cheerios box the which if a man knows it is there he selleth all that he hath that he might buy a box of Cheerios that he might obtain it.
Chapter 4.
1. Even more blessed then a Missionary receiving mail is a friend or relative writing letters.
2. And if you should spend 5 minutes writing one letter to a Missionary how greater shall be your joy.
3. And if your joy be great with one letter how great shall it be with many letters in the mailbox of a Missionary.
4. Else why do they buildeth Post Offices if letters are written not at all, why then do they build Post Offices?
5. Yea, though I speak with the tongues of men and angels, and write not letters, I am nothing.
6. Letters never faileth. But if there be good thoughts they shall fail.
7. When I was a child I thought as a child. I played like a child and I behaved like a child, but when I became a Missionary I put away my childish things.
8. Even as I have put away my childish things. Ye must replace them with unchildish mail.
9. And now abideth in thoughts intentions and mail these three. But the greatest of these is mail.
10. Yea, if thou lovest me, write me letters.
Chapter 5.
1. But thou will say a letter. A letter. We have already written a letter. We have no need to write any more letters.
2. Know ye not that there are more days than one? And more events than one in a day? Why think ye that these events need not be reported?
3. Yea and ye need not worry that your letters will go unanswered.
4. But ye should say. I will go and write the letter that a Missionary requests. For I know that he giveth no requests except that he be prepared to respond.
5. And we give unto you the parable of the self-addressed envelopes.
6. When the Missionary departed into the far off land he gave a certain number of stamped addressed envelopes to his friends.
7. Unto one he gave five, unto another he gave two. Unto a third he gave one.
8. And while he was gone he that was given the five envelopes wrote five letters then in his zeal wrote five letters more.
9. The same with him that had two envelopes, he wrote two letters, and then two letters more.
10. But he that was given the one self-addressed envelope became slothful and careless. And he lost the envelope even that he was given.
11. And when the Missionary came home he went into his friends. And lie that had written ten letters was warmly greeted.
12. The same with him that had written four.
13. But the that had written none at all was given nothing more than a fishy-wimp-like handshake.
Chapter 6.
1. And it has been said. Blessed are the letter writers for they shall receive mail in return.
2. Blessed are they that keep in touch with a Missionary for they shall know all that happens to him.
3. Ye and your letters are the light of a Missionaries day.
4. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid.
5. Neither do men write letter and put them in a desk but in an envelope that it given light unto all that are around the Missionary.
6. Let your letters so be read by Missionaries that they may see your good works and show an increase of love to you.
7. And we give unto you the parable of the Prodigal Letter writer.
8. A Missionary had two friends while labouring in the field.
9. One was faithful and wrote every week unto the Missionary.
10. Meanwhile the other friend spent his stamp money on riotous living and wrote no letters.
11. But after 23 1/2 months he felt deep sorrow and did write a letter unto the Missionary.
12. Who when he received it did go and kill the fatted Macaroni and Cheese box and did feast and was merry.
13. For it was meet that he should make merry for the letter write which was lost was now found.
Chapter 7.
1. Unto you is given some stationary and some paper and some envelopes and some pens and pencils.
2. For the writing of letters, for the cheering up of the Missionary, for the improving of your English skills.
3. If the Missionary returns home. Until we all come to be together again in the bond of friendship.
4. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose.
5. A time to contemplate writing and a time to write.
6. A time to putime to the letter in the envelopes and a time to stamp the envelopes.
7. A time to pmail the letters and a time to start the process all over again.
8. Now we beseech you brethren concerning the coming home of our Missionary and our gathering together to meet him.
9. That ye be not soon shaken in mind or troubled neither by word not by any letters from us as that the returned Missionary is at hand.
10. Let no one deceive you by any means for that day shall not come unless there first be an abundance of letters and that man of mail be revealed a true friend.
Chapter 8.
1. And the Missionary said unto his friend: Lovest thou me?
2. and the friend said:"Ofcourse I love thee".
3. He saith a second time. "Friend lovest thous me"? And the friend said, "Thou knowest that I love thee." He said. "Feed my mailbox".
4. He then spake a third time saying. "Lovest thou me?" And the friend said: "Thou knowest that I love thee."
5. Then the Missionary said:"Stuffeth my mailbox."
6. And the vision is become unto all as the words of a letter which is sealed in the envelope that men deliver to one who is not serving a mission saying: Read this, I pray thee; and he saith I cannot not for it is not mine.
7. And the letter is delivered to him that is serving a mission saying: Read this I pray thee. And he saith, Why sure!
8. Therefore you should proceed to do a marvelous work among a Missionary even a marvelous work and a wonder by writing a letter.
Chapter 9.
1. And the word of the Missionary came unto his friend saying.
2. Moreover, thou friend of mine, take thee one piece of paper and write upon it for a Missionary and for the house of the Mission, his companions.
3. And join them one to another into a letter and they shall become as one in the hands of a mailman.
4. For what does it profiteth a man if he says he hath thoughts but writes not a letter? Can thoughts save him?
5. What brother or a sister have a birthday.
6. And you say unto him. Happy Birthday, notwithstanding you have given them not a cake with candles upon it, what doth it profit?
7. Even so. Thoughts without letters are dead, being alone.
8. But if we say we have no thoughts we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.
9. Therefore since ye have thoughts write ye letters.
Chapter 10.
1. And now we wish to tell you the story of the anti-letter writer.
2. And there dwelt in the land at the time a certain Anti-Letter-Writer who went about complaining to the people that there was no need to write letters.
3. Indeed so persuasive were his arguments that many people did cease to write letters to Missionaries.
4. Then a returned Missionary did confront the Anti-Letter-Writer and didst dispute his arguments.
5. Then it came to pass that the Anti-Letter-Writer did ask for a sign that letter should be sent, then would he believe.
6. Then the returned Missionary said: "Just as assuredly as letters are to be sent, so wilt thou be struck down."
7. And at that moment the Anti-Letter-Writer was run over by a mail truck and was dragged even unto the Post Office where he was subsequently mailed to Zimbabwe.
8. Now when the general public saw this they were pricked in their hearts and said: "Men and brethren what shall we do?"
9. The the returned Missionary said: "Repent every one of you and write 10 letters unto each Missionary that he may forgive thee of thy thoughtlessness."
10. So now we leave you. Be of good cheer.
11. For I saw the dead, great and small. Stand before the judgement bar, and another book was opened which was the book of letters: and the dead were judged by the letters (or lack thereof) that they had written to Missionaries.
12. So now we ask. What manner of men ought ye to be? Ye ought to be LETTER_WRITERS.
The End.